Calling all the coparents out there! He wants to spend their son’s birthday together, but she thinks
they should separate the day! What should they do?
Here’s what this struggling mom wrote:
Hello Bert Show!
I have a little bit of a dilemma that I would like feedback on from an outside perspective. My husband of 10
years said he was done with us about 5 months ago, At this point, I’m still hurt by what my husband did. You have a child with the hopes of having a family and feeling safe with another person. I loved him dearly, and I still have love for him, but I’m hurt because I did go through postpartum depression and even though every day I wanted to get out of it, for some reason I feel I couldn’t.I thought getting a job would help me mentally since I was giving so much into this beautiful little creature (breastfeeding, pumping, waking up in the middle of the night, changing diapers… everything). I took it all on so my husband could rest. Even through MY postpartum recovery, I wanted him to have it as easy as possible.
Eventually, I started to realize I had depression. He and I were disagreeing on so much. He wanted me to be
a stay at home mom, and I still needed to work to pay my bills, which he stated he would pay if I was a stay
at home mom. It’s something I should have “prepared” for (even though we didn’t PLAN to get pregnant), so I told him I am willing to go to therapy and would he consider going with me to fix our problems?I told him, “I still love you and I wanna make this work for our son.” He agreed, but left to visit family for that weekend and when he came back, he told me he realized he just didn’t wanna try anymore. He said he didn’t think he loved me anymore and just was exhausted from trying. I asked him why a change of heart, and he just said he was not happy and he wanted someone that could offer a better package and thought more like him. I was devastated, but appreciated his honesty. I said, “you know therapy can help”, and he refused, saying he couldn’t love somebody who didn’t love themselves.
We have “played piano” since we “separated,” but nothing has changed to be honest. Even for a few months after I tried to clean the house more (he doesn’t like to clean), cooking and being more attentive, I got nothing. I realized I had to move on and started filling up my own cup again.
Fast forward to our son’s birthday, my “husband” now wants us to spend the whole day together for our son (even after he and I have barely spoken). We speak only about our son. I said he can have him for whichever half of the day he chooses, and I’ll take our son the other half. He says it’s not about us, it’s about our son. How can you be selfish? He would love us together for his birthday. My son deserves it, but I really don’t wanna see my “husband”. I’m still hurt because of all the life changes I’ve had, I’ve had to move in with my parents, become a single mom, and it’s been so hard even with therapy. I eventually would love to be able to be in a place where we can have co-parent dates for our son, but I’m just not there yet.
Am I weak for this? Am I being selfish? I really am not ready to see my “husband”, and I really am deeply hurt still. I don’t know how to respond, and our son’s birthday is in 3 days. What is the best way to tell him? Or should I just give in and go? I don’t wanna upset my husband, but I haven’t been looking out for myself either.
PLEASE HELP!!
Best,
Anonymous