She’s desperate to save her marriage, and she thinks the only way she can is by “playing piano” with another man! Listen…
Dear Bert Show,
My husband and I have been together for 18 years. I have never been one to believe in cheating. Not that I think anyone does, at least I would hope not, but I digress. So, to get to the point, my husband and I get along great. We are a perfect match in probably 75% of all measurable compatibility. We honestly may as well be the same person in some aspects of our personalities. However, that other 25% has become a pretty big deal in recent years.
Where we differ is in the bedroom. Let’s just say that not only is our piano playing technique as vastly different as can be, but also, our desire to play piano. I myself have more of an 80’s hair band style whereas he would fall in with Mozart. I could play piano daily and he is fine tuning the keys once every month or two. As you can imagine, this has caused a rift. The main problem being, this has been going on for 15 YEARS at least. We have talked about it until we are blue in the face. Furthermore, when we finally do both get to play, it has been so long since the last time that the song is over before it hits the first chorus and there I am wondering why I even bothered to join in for that song. Even worse, there have been many times where I have caught him playing solo or having sheet music on his phone for solo play. (Yes, I realize how far I am pushing this piano reference )
I have begged, pleaded, and tried to do anything to fix this. We have had counseling as well. Nothing helps. Nothing changes. It infuriates me that he can have solo play, but doesn’t have the time, energy or drive to do so with me. On top of all of that, the fact that my dear, sweet husband is the most vanilla human being on the planet doesn’t help. There isn’t even anything I can do to “spice it up”. Now, I know some people may jump straight to “he’s cheating”. Absolutely not. This may sound naive to those who do not know him, but if you had to rank the likelihood of men to cheat, he would be the very last man on that list. Buddhist monks would before this man. Seriously. You are just going to have to trust me on this one.
So, one of my best friends and their spouse are sort of “swingers”. More of an open marriage than swingers, but whatever you want to call it, you get the gist. So, they tell us one night about a concept in their community called a “unicorn”. It is where only one party in a relationship isn’t satisfied and the other party, who knows they can’t meet the needs of their partner, wants them to be fulfilled and gives that party solo permission to seek outside piano partners. For piano play only, no emotion, no feelings, nothing except pure physicality. Yeah, my husband would never. So, I was joking about it with my therapist, and to my utter shock, the response I got wasn’t what was expected. The response I received was “perhaps you should.” This was shocking, so she went on to sort of clarify…”you love your husband and don’t want to lose your marriage, but you WILL end up losing your marriage over this if it doesn’t get fixed.” This is partly because she is aware that in 18 years, we have had maybe 5-10 actual fights that weren’t about this subject. Every other fight over 18 years has been about this.
So one day, a work friend made the suggestion, “what if you got someone who is in your same situation? Married, so you know it would be purely for sex. You know they would never tell because they have just as much to lose. No emotions, no catching feelings but strictly a physical release”. In a way, my brain began to rationalize it. It would be sort of like using a toy for the same thing. Without emotions and feelings being involved, it began to seem not so different. At first, I was disgusted by the idea. I love my husband with everything I have, but I am terrified that this will end up splitting us up, and I can’t continue to live like this. I have never seen the point in cheating. I have always been of the opinion that if you don’t want to be with someone or if you want to be with someone else, simply leave rather than cheat. But what if you don’t want any of that? What if you don’t want to leave and you love only who you are with?
We are only 35, so I can only see it getting worse as time goes by, not better… So the way I began to see it is… if I got my physical part out of the way, my husband and I would no longer have anything to fight about, at least no more than regular marital spats. I want to make it clear that I have done nothing inappropriate at this time. This is just the level of desperation I have reached. And that is exactly what it is. It is pure desperation. Desperation to save my marriage. Is it possible that a secret “physical only” affair is the only way to save my marriage? I have hit a brick wall on any other options. Please help.